Two Ways to Say Everything

I love language. I love words, I love wordplay, I love the way the language can wrap around a thought and make you (in the immortal words of the Scarecrow from Wizard of Oz) "think of things you never thunk before."

I've also noticed that there are two ways to say everything. The formal way:

How like a winter hath my absence been
From thee, the pleasure of the fleeting year!
What freezings have I felt, what dark days seen!
What old December's bareness everywhere!

~William Shakespeare, "Sonnet XCVII"

...and the formal, but still blunt way:

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.

~Edna St. Vincent Millay

Same thought, different expression.

See you all soon.

Second Post Today

I'm having blogarrhea today.

A quick end-of-year note to say thanks--once again--for reading along this year. The new year is sure to bring lots of changes for many of us, and I already know that my own situation is going to provide reams of blog fodder for '06 and beyond. I enjoy reading every one of the blogs I list in the sidebar, and many more that (as of yet) have gone unlinked. Here's hoping for a great new year for all of you.

Overheard in Conversation II

SAM'S CLUB CASHIER TO MAN IN LINE: "Sir, those potato chips are buy one, get one free"
MAN IN LINE: "Huh?"
CASHIER: "You need to buy two bags"
MAN IN LINE: "But I only want one"
CASHIER: "They're buy one, get one free. Just go back and grab another bag"
MAN IN LINE: "But I don't want two bags. Can't you just ring up one?"
CASHIER: "I'm sorry, but we can't. There's a bar code."
MAN IN LINE: "Oh. Well, I only want one. I guess I'll take this one back."

This is so weird on so many levels, I don't even know what to say.

Great Cookies!

I'm sure many of you have seen this recipe before, but in the interest of public service, I'll present it here again just in case. You might want these for your New Year's Eve party.

And for those of you for whom Tequila makes your clothes fall off...good luck with that. If this helps, then more power to ya.

Fiber, you can substitute gin.

----------

TEQUILA COOKIES
Ingredients: 1 cup of dark brown sugar
1 cup (2 sticks) butter
1 cup of granulated sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups of dried fruit, such as dried cranberries or raisins
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 tsp fresh lemon juice
1 cup coarsely chopped walnuts or pecans
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila (silver or gold, as desired)

• Sample the Cuervo to check quality.

• Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer... Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

• Add one teaspoon of sugar... Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup... Just in case.

• Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

• Pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

• Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

• Next, sift two cups of salt, or something.

• Check the Jose Cuervo.

• Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

• Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

• Don't forget to beat off the turner!

• Finally, throw the bowl through the window, FINISH the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

**** CHERRY MISTMAS AND HIPPO GNU YEER****

Christmas At My House

Well, that's over.

Christmas at my house is usually a big deal; we started hosting the annual Family Dinner™ about five years ago, and it just keeps growing and growing. Who knows...this will probably be the last year I'm involved. Anyway, here are a bunch of pictures, if you're interested.


Too much food. The picture below shows about 1/3 of the spread. I love to cook and entertain, so we provided Turkey, Ham, Clam Chowder (my personal fave), barbequed meatballs, stuffing, mashed potatoes, baked Ziti, squash, and various breads and desserts. Others brought lobster salad, corn casserole, various desserts, and other goodies.



Decorating is always fun. There's nothing like having Santa on your organ...



And although this photo has nothing to do with Christmas, I like the juxtaposition of old and new. The Mac will probably be replaced soon; the typewriter will stay, though:



So there you have it. A few of my boring Christmas pictures. Hope y'all had, will have, are having, or hope to have a good time.

Last-Minute Shopping

For those of you that haven't finished your seasonal shopping binge yet, a word of advice from a banner I spotted:

"It's Almost Free at THE DOLLAR TREE!"

*sigh*

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas.

I grew up in the Midwest, where religion and faith are in the ground water. Yes, to quote "Miracle on 34th Street", I BELIEVE. I don't wear my faith on my sleeve, and I'm not one to shout it from the rooftop (this post notwithstanding), but my faith is an essential part of who I am, even if my beliefs are somewhat complicated and not easily compartmentalized.

Anyway...

A very Merry Christmas to all my readers my reader. If you don't celebrate my particular holiday, I wish you all the peace and happiness that comes from the celebration your own, or even your lack thereof. My best to all of you.

No Snarky Comments, Please...

I'm not in the mood to read BS comments on this blog, and I don't have the energy to moderate them. Yes, this will be a sappy post. If you can't handle that, then please leave quietly now.

Fiber has a great story on her website that everyone should read (as soon as you're done with my post, of course). Let me tell you my own tale of gratitude.

Last week around these parts, a home blew up. Literally. BLEW UP with five people inside. Police suspect a gas explosion; the resulting blast damaged about a dozen homes, shook many others, and was felt upwards of 10 miles away.

Here's what's left of the home:




That hole you see in the ground is all that's left of the house. The HOUSE you see is one that suffered collateral damage from the explosion.

Miraculously--and I don't use the term lightly--none of the five people in the house at the time were killed. They were injured, to be sure, some seriously, but all are recovering. One son, who had a bedroom in the basement (near the presumed center of the blast) was visiting a friend's house that night, and escaped certain death. No one who has seen the complete and utter devastation of that blast can believe anyone survived, let alone five people who were sleeping at the time.

A friend of mine once said, "A coincidence is a circumstance in which God wishes to remain anonymous". IMHO, this one has God's fingerprints all over it.

The community has come together like I've never seen to support the family. The home they used to live in was built by the owner's grandfather, and they have very close ties to this area. We all come together at times like this.

So, to echo Fiber's thoughts, tonight when you slip into your comfortable bed, thank whatever deity you pray to for your life and good fortune. Or just look around and be happy.

One way or another, we are all truly blessed.

Damn

Just got a call that my youngest daughter's pet hamster died.

*sigh*

TIME to Consider Others

Yes, it's the time of year when TIME magazine puts out its "Person of the Year" issue. As part of the issue, TIME also includes a section called "People Who Matter".

Tucked into the back corner of the magazine and going almost unnoticed is a list of others, including Sammy "Biff" Snarlasky, one of TIME's "People Who Didn't Matter." From the article:

"Not only did Snarlasky fail to distinguish himself in any discernible way, shape or form, he further alienated himself from the Editors by failing to deliver our morning coffee in a timely fashion. The editors are shocked and dismayed at how little, if anything, Mr. Snarlasky contributes to the people that surround him and, by extension, society as a whole."

Those are some harsh words, but I've never heard of Mr. Snarlasky before now, so I guess they may have a point.

edit: New updates to "Listening to" and "Currently Reading" in the sidebar

Sing Along

I love music, and I love Christmas songs.

Yeah, I'm a freak like that. I also like fruitcake (good ones, not the doorstop ones that come in a can). So sue me.

But some Holiday songs don't make a damn bit of sense.

Let's take a listen, shall we:

Jingle Bells includes these lovely lyrics:

"A day or two ago
The story I must tell
I went out on the snow
And on my back I fell;
A gent was riding by
In a one-horse open sleigh
He laughed at me as
I there sprawling laid
But quickly drove away."

Oh, that's the spirit of Christmas. The next time you see someone sprawled out on their back in the snow, just laugh and drive away. "Merry Christmas, stranger! Hope you freeze to death, you poor sorry bastard!"

Then there's the ever-popular, "All I Want For Christmas is my Two Front Teeth". Here's a happy thought from that song:

"Gee, if I could only
have my two front teeth,
then I could with you
"Merry Christmas."
It seems so long since I could say,
"Sister Susie sitting on a thistle!" "

SISTER SUSIE SITTING ON A THISTLE? My God, what kind of sadist wrote that? Unless Susie has some wierd sexual kink, why in the name of all that's holy would she want to sit on a thistle?

And "Jolly Old St. Nicholas" provides this scary thought:

"When the clock is striking twelve,
when I'm fast asleep
Down the chimney, broad and black,
with your pack you'll creep"

I think that was the inspiration for this line from Mel Torme's "The Christmas Song":

"Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow
Will find it hard to sleep tonight."

No wonder the kiddies can't get to sleep...Santa sounds like some sort of sicko stalker to me. "Go to sleep, children, so the big fat man can come into our house, eat our cookies, drink our milk, and have unfettered access to our living room!"

This kid can't figure out why he's getting "Nuttin' for Christmas":

"I put a tack on teacher's chair
somebody snitched on me.
I tied a knot in Susie's hair
somebody snitched on me.
I did a dance on Mommy's plants
climbed a tree and tore my pants
Filled the sugar bowl with ants
somebody snitched on me.

So, I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas
Mommy and Daddy are mad.
I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas
'Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad."

Well, there's no wonder! Frankly, you sound like the kind of rotten little creep that deserves a one-way trip to the local detention center. Congratulations, Billy! This year for Christmas, you're getting a year's pass to Military School! Hope you like push-ups..

I'm still trying to figure out if this lyric refers to the Christmas Tree or Charlize Theron:

"O Christmas Tree,
O Christmas Tree,
What happiness befalls me
When oft at
joyous Christmas-time
Your form inspires
my song and rhyme."

See what I mean? That could go either way.

And talk about lame gifts:

"First comes the stocking
of little Nell,
Oh, dear Santa
fill it well;
Give her a dolly
that laughs and cries
One that will open
and shut her eyes."

Santa, get a clue: Little Nell wants an iPod.

And finally, on New Year's Eve, we can all sing:

"Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And days of auld lang syne? "

What can I say about this? I'm going to quote my favourite movie of all time, "When Harry Met Sally" for this one.

"Harry: What does this song mean? For my whole life I don't know what this song means. I mean, 'Should old acquaintance be forgot". Does that mean we should forget old acquaintances or does it mean if we happen to forget them we should remember them, which is not possible because we already forgot them!?

Sally: Well may be it just means that we should remember that we forgot them or something. Anyway, it's about old friends."

Nice thought, that.

Enjoy the season, everyone.

Ho x3

So I rented a Santa suit to play the big guy tonight.

I'm trying to figure out if I should be respectful of Santa and All He Represents™, or if I should stand on a street corner, bottle of gin in hand, and leer at passing motorists.

*sigh*

I'll be good.

I promise.

George Bush Hates White People

Statistics Suggest Race Not a Factor in Katrina Deaths:

"Rapper Kanye West used his time on NBC's telethon for the hurricane victims to charge that, 'George Bush doesn't care about black people.' But the state's demographic information suggests that whites in New Orleans died at a higher rate than minorities. According to the 2000 census, whites make up 28 percent of the city's population, but the Louisiana Department of Health and Hospitals indicates that whites constitute 36.6 percent of the storm's fatalities in the city."

I thought Kanye was classless when he made the comments in the first place. Now, it turns out, he was just plain wrong, too. I'm no fan of GW, believe me...but this story needs to be told.

IMHO, a big part of the problem with race relations in this country is that whites and blacks are too quick to point the finger at each other. Hell, I have to agree with Morgan Freeman here in an interview with Mike Wallace:

“You’re going to relegate my history to a month?” Freeman asks Wallace. After noting there is no “white history month,” he says, “I don’t want a black history month. Black history is American history,” he tells Wallace.

The notion of a special month for black history may be hurting rather than helping efforts for racial equality, Freeman believes. When Wallace wonders whether racist attitudes may be harder to eradicate without the education that Black History Month provides, Freeman retorts: “How are we going to get rid of racism? Stop talking about it!”

Freeman believes the labels “black” and “white” are an obstacle to beating racism. “I am going to stop calling you a white man and I’m going to ask you to stop calling me a black man,” he says. “I know you as Mike Wallace. You know me as Morgan Freeman. You wouldn’t say, ‘Well, I know this white guy named Mike Wallace.’ You know what I’m saying?”

Yeah, I do.

Because Thievery can be FUN!

I stole this from Carol:

RULES

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, (even if we don't speak often) please post a comment here on my blog with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and me. It can be anything you want - good or bad - BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE. When you're finished leaving your comment, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people DON'T ACTUALLY remember about you. I think this will be fun for all; like a bowl of Skittles and M&M's mixed; a colour and a flavour for everyone!

Note: I will read each one and respond in kind.

Now....

GO!


edit: You know, apparently I have a much more interesting life than I thought. Y'all are giving me some of the best laughs I've had in a long time. Keep 'em coming!

Overheard in Conversation

MAN WALKING OUT OF A CROWDED CONFERENCE ROOM WITH CELL PHONE IN HAND: "I need that report! You're killing me!"

FEMALE WORKER TO FEMALE CO-WORKER: "They moved the party from Friday night to Thursday"
FEMALE CO-WORKER: "How come?"
FEMALE WORKER: "I heard it was because Dave couldn't make it on Friday."
FEMALE CO-WORKER: "Well, that sucks. I'd rather go on Friday."
FEMALE WORKER: "Yeah, who wants to go into work on Friday feeling like a bag of assholes?"

Ah, other people's conversations. An endless source of amusement.

Public Service Announcement

Here's a blog written by a musician that is dedicated to serving the public in the finest way possible. Let's hope the cover bands are paying attention.

Archaeology News

How the stick people became extinct:



Sad, but true.

Pissed Off

You know how you often get a ridiculous e-mail and you shake your head in wonderment, trying to figure out how and why you were on the receiving end of such a thing?

Well, here's something you can do about it. The next time you get an urban legend, chain letter, insipid inspirational poem, or other such nonsense in your inbox, return it to the sender with this attachment:


(Click on the image for a larger version).

There.

Now don't say I never gave you anything.